What Is Love?
by TheWandOfDeduction
Summary: Tanya Goodwin, of the Denali clan, has never experienced love in her vampire life. She has always gone from man to man, one night stands, with no feeling. Will anyone change this for her? Tanya's past humaan life involved, posible lemons. Tanya'sPOV R&R please xoxo
1. The Begining

**I had this idea that something good should happen for Tanya, and all my ideas get writen down no matter where I am. Whether I'm on a bus and I scribble in a note book or sat strumming my fingers on the key's of a computer. I do this because I know they're all improtant - in their own way - and could one day be useful.**

**-EmilyMeAtSiix Xx  
Read and reaview :')**

* * *

**THE BEGINNING.**

_Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person. Or a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.  
__Love is always patient and kind. It is never boastful or conceited. It's never rude or selfish. It doesn't take offense, and is not resentful.  
But how does it really work? Is it an instant connection, love at first sight kind of love, or do two people just built up a relationship and fall for the person they find underneath?... It seems to me that it is just a bundle of confusion that makes you think and see in a different light, that no one really understands._

_I used to think love was not made for me, that L-O-V-E was just another word I never learned to pronounce, that I would go from human man to human man without a care in the world, like the succubus I was accused of being. Carmen had Eleazar, and Kate now had Garrett, and Irena had been finished by the Volturi, so it was only me..._

* * *

I was making my way through town one Friday around twilight; I was planning on getting home early and talking with the rest of my family for a change. When I turned around a corner, heading away from the main road I heard a man wandering around quite quickly as though he was lost. I smiled slightly to myself, unable to keep back. I walked towards him with my arms wrapped tightly around me as though to keep from the cold and put on a perfect sweet southern accent.

"Excuse me sir, I think I may be a little lost, I'm looking for Whickery Cottage" I gave him the name of a cottage not to far from my house.

He looked at me and just stared silently for a moment then finally managed to stutter his words out "Uh, I, uh, think it's just out past the grocery store..."

I smiled embarrassedly at him "I'm not entirely sure where that is..."

"Oh, well, I'm heading that way now, I could show you... If you don't mind." He added on the end nervously.

I smiled more brightly "Thank you; that's ever so thoughtful of you. I'm Tanya" I said, holding my gloved hand out to him.

"John." He answered, shaking my hand hesitantly.

"Nice to meet you John. How old are you?" I asked, trying to spark conversation.

"24. And yourself?" He answered, looking down at me whilst we walked.

"23," I smiled; of course I was much older then that really, but to everyone here I was 23.

I looped my arm through his casually "It's very cold today isn't it?" I asked, as a reason for being so close.

"Yeah..." He coughed nervously "It gets really cold at night time; I take it you're not here often?"

"No," I lied. "I'm just visiting cousins." I smiled again. "It's usually quite a bit warmer then this in Tennessee..."

"I know; I went there last year, though to me it just seemed way too hot; I'm too used to this temperature."

I nodded. "I do really like it up here, I have family and the people are all nice..." I said as we crossed over the vacant street.

"Do you never think of staying up here? I'm sure you'd fit right in." He said smiling slightly at the thought if it. Perfect.

"Would you be my friend?" I asked turning to face him.

He was quite an attractive young man, I realized as I saw him under the street lamp. His dark blonde hair was swept across his face, slightly in his eyes, which made him flick it out of the way often, and his emerald green eyes seemed to be as piercing as any vampire's. He had a perfectly angular nose and jaw line, and his lips were quite full, but a perfect shape for his face. He stood quite tall, a good seven inch higher then my 5'7".

I looked into his eyes as he worded his answer "Well, that depends if I ever see you again..?" He made it sound like a question, looking straight back at me. I think that was possibly the first time a man had ever actually looked into my eyes, and not just taken in my beauty.

"I would assume you will see me again, in this small town. Everyone seems to know each other here." I said simply.

He nodded. "Then, yes, I could be your - friend." He paused slightly before the word friend as though contemplating what it fully meant.

I smiled sweetly at him and suddenly realised that we had stopped walking. But I didn't move. I just looked up at him, trying to read his expression. I reached my hand up to his face and moved a piece of his hair that was blowing the wrong way then smiled again when it went back down.

"You're really beautiful," He said, sounding quite mesmerised, "Of course, you know that." He then turned his face to look down the road.

I put my hand against his cheek and turned his face to face me. "Thank you John. Beautiful isn't a word I often here used."

He tilted his head to the slightly in confusion.

I only noticed that we were getting closer to each other when our faces were mere inches apart. His eyes darted from side to side, between my eyes. I leaned in a little more, closing the distance between us and kissing him on the lips. He seemed to not think much of my cold touch and reacted quickly to me. He cupped his hand on the back of my neck and I help my hand with his other, entwining our fingers. I felt him smile slightly against my lips, simultaneously feeling the cool lamp post meet my back. I held the collar of his shirt to pull him closer to me.

After a moment he pulled away slightly and I rested my forehead against his while he caught his breath.

I smiled slightly "Does John have a last name?"

His smile almost mirrored mine, but his revealed two small dimples in his cheeks "Tyler. John Tyler. And Tanya?"

"Don't laugh," I said first "Goodwin."

He chuckled despite what I said, and I grinned slightly. "Nice name."

"You like that? Maybe you should hear my number" I said casually.

He laughed "Sure."

We exchanged numbers, and I had already decided I was not going to be the one to call him first. But that didn't matter when I got home.

I was greeted by the sound of Carmen, Eleazar Kate and Garrett's laughter. I walked into the room with a smile on my face and sat down.

Kate turned and looked at me "Someone looks happy" She nudged me with her elbow grinning.

I looked at her "Is a woman not allowed to smile now?"

She held her hands up "Did someone get kissed?" she asked laughing slightly.

I hit her arm gently "What's it to you?"

"Is a sister not allowed to be curious?" She answered my question with another.

"Not when it's you." I said smiling.

Kate stopped quizzing me then and I joined in with the general conversation. They were talking about giant bees taking over the world I swear I don't belong with these insane people.

After about an hour, it was reaching eight O'clock, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket; I went upstairs and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Tanya right?" The familiar man's voice said.

"Yep. This John Tyler?" I asked smiling.

"It is, it is." I heard the smile in his voice.

"Well hello again John Tyler."

He chuckled huskily down the phone "Hi. Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, but go ahead."

"I was wondering, what made you speak to me?" He asked

"Because you were there and I didn't know where to go..." I answered sceptically.

"But there were people dotted all over the place. Why me?"

I shrugged despite the fact I was on the phone "I guess I only noticed you there..." Which was true, I had no idea anyone else was around.

"Hmm," I could literally hear the clogs turning in his mind. "Well, I hope to see you around."

"Yeah, me too."

"Bye Tanya Goodwin"

"Bye John Tyler." I smiled and we both hung up.

How strange Possible the third, maybe fourth man to call me back, the second one I've answered, and he is definitely the only person to make me smile outside my vampire world.


	2. Childish Games

**Childish Games**

Saturday morning found me with my head stuck in the library's Pride and Prejudice book. Despite the fact I already owned it, I walked down to the library for the sake of walking - and to get some fresh un-vampire scented air. I saw no familiar faces to my displeasure, but I did have a quick hunt in the woods on my way back home; Friday's surprise had made my eyes quite dark...

I finished the book just before noon and went downstairs. Carmen was on the phone with who I assumed was one of her chef friends and Kate and Garrett were rubbing noses on the couch. I looked at the three of them dismally then left silently, picking up my jacket and gloves on the way.

With the book in my bag I figured I might as well take it back to the library then go for a walk or something.

As I was heading to the library I saw a group of sophisticated men and women emerge from the building just next to it. I glanced at the group and saw Eleazar among them, but to my great surprise. Just next to Eleazar was a tall man with a briefcase who I recognised to be John Tyler.

When Eleazar caught my eye he smiled and waved me over to him and John was looking at his smart phone, I wondered idly if he was looking for a text from me… I reached Eleazar, just brushing john's arm, and I gave him a hug then kissed his cheeks, a habit I had never grown out of through my years.  
"Fancy seeing you here." I smiled "You had a meeting I take it."

He chuckled slightly "Well, we do live in the same town you know, you will see me around every now and again…"

"Oh, you know what I mean. You're usually in school and I'm usually… Well, busy." I said grinning.

John looked up at me then, and Eleazar thought it courtesy to do the introductions, so he looked between the two of us then said "Oh, how rude of me, John this is my sister-in-law Tanya, and Tanya, this is a fellow work colleague John…"

John held his hand out to me "Sister-in-law…?"

I took his hand lightly and shook it "Yes, John Tyler, sister-in-law."

He smiled "Well it was nice meeting you Tanya Goodwin."

Eleazar looked completely dumbstruck for a second so I had to laugh, but then he caught up "Oh, you two have met." He chuckled slightly and looked at me with those eyes_ was I in trouble…? _I smiled at him.

"Yes, now I think Carmen's probably getting restless waiting for you, perhaps you shouldn't keep her waiting. Goodbye Eleazar. John." I nodded at him, and held his eyes for a second, before swirling around and walking away in any direction.

I heard john and Eleazar give quiet goodbyes, and then I heard smart shoes scraping the gravely floor paces behind me. I slowed down and John sped up, then when I reached a lamp post I held it, spun around and backed against it so he was just in front of me. "We have to stop meeting like this." I smiled impishly at him.

He shook his head half a smile coming through. He pulled me from the lamp post and walked me to the side of a building then walked off. I was slightly confused, but then I saw him come back around and realized he was trying to be funny by being literal. He walked back in front of me and said "Oh, fancy meeting you here with no lamp post." He smiled at me and I started to walk around him chuckling a little.

"Come with me John." I heard him catch up to me then slow me down somehow.

"Where will you take me?" He said with a raised eyebrow.

"To my secret sex chamber." I said with a completely straight face, I think he almost believed me until I smiled "no, I don't know, I just thought I'd make it sound like I had something to do, but really my Saturday is empty." I sighed.

He smiled slightly at me "Yes, mine is too now. Perhaps we could spend our empty Saturday together…"

I smiled back at him "Perhaps we could."

John and I headed back to his house so he could change out of teacher clothes and I looked at old family photos of his at the top of the staircase.

"You know John, I don't usually do this."

From inside his bedroom he replied "And, by 'this' you mean?"

I looked at a picture of a small boy with John's green eyes and smiled sadly "Give random men off the street a second look" I chuckled "I guess I saw something in you…"

He opened the door then "I hope it was something good." He said smiling effortlessly. He was wearing a plain white V-neck tee and stone wash cuffed chinos with braces. The man knew how to dress. "So what would you like to do to fill this empty Saturday?"

"I don't mind… Nice jeans." I said smiling. "It's a good job you don't go to school dressed like that. I know what teenager girls are like around chinos."

He smiled at me "Well, I'll bare that in mind… Are you hungry?" He asked casually as he started walking down the stairs in front of me.

Oh god, human food. I had grown used to it, but it still repulsed me, and I still had to force myself to throw it all back up. But I looked at him and replied "A little."

"How about we grab a bite to eat – or we could eat here if you want…?"

"Uh, here's good." Less food to choose from at least. Somehow this situation felt slightly awkward.

He looked at me and said "How do you feel about Indian?"

I was actually confused. "The people?"

He smiled and chuckled "No, the food –" _so the people_ "you know, Curry."

"Oh right." I smiled embarrassedly "Yeah, curry's good, but I can't handle the hot stuff." I laughed "Still talking about food of course."

He grinned "I didn't think otherwise. And I'm a bit soft when it comes to the 'hot stuff' so I have mild."

"… Good to know." I smiled at him and he lead through to the lounge and sat down, then indicated for me to sit down also, so I was in the other corner of the sofa, sat on an angle to make conversation easier.

"So, are you feeling awkward silence or just one of us bringing up a topic?" He asked casually, leaning back as he did so.

"Hmm, but what topic?" I looked overly thoughtful as I waited for him to decide.

"Well, usually, I would propose truth or dares, but I'm thinking back a few years." He chuckled.

"Truth or dares then, no other suggestions. So, John Tyler, truth or dare?" I smiled.

"I'll start easy, and say truth."

"Truth: What's your most embarrassing moment?" I smiled at him.

He laughed and said straight away "That would probably have to me my first day in High school. I was a cocky little thing and fancied me some senior girl. So I went strutting up to this tall brunette – who was standing with her boyfriend, may I add – and I was like 'sweetie, you and me, tonight. I'll take you out and show you a good time' and she totally creased up laughing at me, and I got threatened by her boyfriend. It wasn't cool in front of half the school" He shook his head laughing slightly and I had to laugh too.

"Ouch, burn for little Johnny."

"Your turn." He smiled "Truth or dare?"

I grinned and said "Turn it up a notch: dare."

He laughed and said after a moment's thought "I dare you to go outside, and to the first person you see, you have to walk up to them scratching your crotch and say 'damn, these crabs are so itchy."

I looked at him and laughed "I'm not doing that, those people know me!"

He laughed more and said "You have to forfeit then."

"What's the forfeit?" I asked with a fake look of dread on my face.

"The forfeit is always the same. You have to sit the next round in your underwear."

I shrugged my shoulders after a moment, stood up and took my blouse off, then stepped out of my skirt. "I think your lying to me, but there you go." I sat back down and looked at him as his mouth was still not quite shut. It's a good thing I was in my sexy, blue, lacy panties and matching bra.

I laughed and said "truth or dare John?"

He looked slightly embarrassed, knowing that I noticed his facial expression, and said "Dare."

"I dare you to…" I thought for a minute, and moved the angle of my legs so that my knees where together "Phone a courier service and ask them if it is possible to sort out getting a huge gift for you to be wrapped up in naked and brought to someone." I grinned.

He shrugged and grabbed the phone and phone book. "If he threatens me in any way I will tell him it was a dare and hang up though" He laughed and found the number.

When it was ringing he was grinning, holding back laughs. I heard the man on the other side of the phone answer politely and John said "Hello, I was wondering if it was possible to have you deliver a rather large gift with me naked inside it. It's a surprise for someone you see." He smiles at me, humour in his eyes. The man on the phone paused then said "Are you serious boy?"

John laughed silently for a second then said "I'm completely serious sir. I know she'd love it muchly."

The man on the phone said shortly "Well, we do not do that here. Sorry." And hung up. We burst out laughing then.

"Well done." I smiled. "So do I get dressed now, or after my turn, or during my turn.

"That depends how you do it." He smiled and said "Truth or dare?"

Again I automatically said dare and he chuckled "Should I give you an easy one? You might get cold."

I looked down at my in-human pale body then looked at him and said "The cold doesn't really bother me that much. But yes" I smiled.

"Okay then, do an impression of me. It's usually entertaining to watch."

I stood up, pulled him up, and smiled, then coughed for the effect of changing character. I shook my head, half a perfect imitation of his smile coming through. I pulled him over to the other side of the sofa and then walked off. He smiled when he realized what I was doing, then I walked back in front of him and said "Oh, fancy meeting you here with no lamp post." With my best impersonation of his husky voice and smiled. I went back to my own voice and said "I've always been great at impersonations." I smiled at his still shocked face, bent down in front of him and picked up my skirt, getting dressed. I heard his breath pick up and I smiled a little – how I loved the reaction of a man's body! You didn't get that from vampires; the quickening heart, the erratic breathing, and the general obviousness of how I affect them… I turned around still smiling and flashed my teeth, he smiled back. _Wow this man is really beautiful! _I thought as though it was just hitting me. Obviously he's beautiful, I always go for good looking guys, but he just seems more… breath-taking! Actually might be showing signs of competition for Edward Cullen – and he was a truly handsome one.

_Oh dear. I shouldn't be thinking like this! _"What's next?" I said out loud and sat back down.

He did the same across from me and said "You ask me, truth or dare. However, would you like a drink? I've got red wine, some rose`, beer, water and probably orange juice" He smiled.

"Seeing as we're playing a childish game, I should probably say orange juice, but red wine sounds rather appealing thank you" I said smiling sweetly, his heart jumping a little, making me smile more.

"Okay then, and I think the curry will be done in about 15 minutes… do you have rice?" He asked unsurely as he stood and headed into the kitchen.

"Yeah" I said watching him walk away _good ass_ I thought. When he came back in with two glasses of wine he handed me mine and I thanked him as he sat down. "So, John Tyler, do you bring all the girls home with you and feed and water them?" I asked, smiling impishly and took a sip of wine. I actually quite liked red wine, and because of the colour of it, it had always been easy to drink even before I was accustomed to the taste of it, and though I knew I would have to throw the food up later, I still rather enjoyed most of the things I ate while in human company.

He laughed a little "No, actually." His expression dampened slightly.

I looked at him curiously "Can I ask why you look so sad now?"

He sighed and smiled a little "I'm just not that kind of person, the whole one night stand thing, I did in high school but… No. I' much more or a romantic now" He smiled slightly "Long walks on the beach kind of guy" he chuckled and I smiled at the thought of it "But I think I fall too fast and get hurt. I just got out a relationship last month, the chocolate ice creams all gone now though" he grinned, so I guessed he wasn't a heart-broken mess now.

I smiled a little "That sounds nice, the romance part. I've never been much of a romantic myself." He probably didn't realize the certainty of that 'never', but I wasn't going to get into my past with him.

"Why not?" _Oh, he wanted to go there… _He asked casually, patting the seat on the sofa next to him, so I stood and went to sit with him.

"I've just never been interested in it." I shrugged not wanting to get into this conversation.

He took in my expression and I could tell he was seeing how I felt, despite my hiding it. Why does he have to be so perceptive? "You don't look like you want to share, but have you just had too much pain or…?" He furrowed his eyebrows for a moment "I don't understand how anyone could hurt someone like you." He looked into my eyes and my bones felt as though they were turning to a less solid state.

"John," I whispered, not really taking notice of what he said "Come here." He came, sliding closer to me. "Closer." He moved his face to mine, I smiled slightly, and moved y face to his, closing the distance and kissing his shocked mouth. He responded of course, kissing me back, his lips moving with mine. I pulled away sooner than what was usual. "I think your rice is crying out for you John, perhaps you should answer."

"I feel like something inside of you is crying out Tanya. I just don't know what it is. Would you want me to stick around long enough to find out?" He said suddenly as he slowly rose from where we sat. I just looked at him and bit my upper lip and sniffed slightly, not answering his question.

He walked away, and I felt like an alien in my body. I shouldn't have feelings for this man! But I think I do… I don't think this way, I don't believe this way. I felt as though I should be dizzy, but of course I wasn't.

As I internally discussed my insanity and possible alien parasite I heard John getting plates out and scraping, then running water.

"Dinner's ready Tan." He said casually, though his voice seemed too husky for casual. He carried the two plates into what I guessed was the dining room.

I was right of course, I found when I stood and followed him.


	3. Nothing Worth the Risk

**Nothing Worth the Risk**

In the dining room was a central large black glass dining table with four matching chairs, and the room was a rage of whites and silvers. There was a beautiful silver sequin disc pendant light shade that was twisting slightly in the small breeze from the AC.

He set both the plates down opposite each other and pulled the chair out in front of me, then faced me with a cheeky smile. _So cute! _I sat down, my eyes staying on his while I moved, smiling.

"Sorry if it poisons you. Never had any problems before but…" He drifted out of the sentence while he mixed his rice in with the curry.

"But what?" I asked distantly. I was stuck in my own stupid thoughts of why I wasn't into romance. _Stupid boy making me think._

He grinned and flicked his eyes up to me "Well you're quite a distraction"

I bit my lip "Sorry…"

We didn't speak for a minute while we ate then John chirped up "Truth or dare Goodwin?"

"Dare" I said habitually. I wasn't going to risk a truth after his questioning.

He thought for a moment "I dare you to tell me something. Something about yourself – on a deep level – that you've never told anyone else."

I sighed. _Boy's not going to quit. _I thought for a moment "I'm scared. I'm scared of everything." I flicked my eyes up to see what he was thinking but he was looking down. "I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of hurting people that matter most in life. And I'm scared of getting myself into the same rut –" I cut off and carried on eating. The food was actually really good – well for human food…

John was thinking about something; his fork was just hovering above his food as he stared through it. "What happened? I'm sorry if you don't particularly want to answer but, I feel like it could help…"

"No, I don't particularly want to answer. It's hard. I've never talked about it with anyone, not even my family." Carmen and Kate know I'm damaged but they learnt not to ask after a while.

"Well, if you find a way to tell me, I'm a great listener." He said simply then carried on eating.

We had a few moments in silence, just the sound of chewing, scraping, his heartbeat and deep breaths…

"Truth or dare" I smiled a little at him and he thought for a moment.

"Truth." He answered willingly.

"What are you afraid of? Any phobia?" I took another bite of my food and mechanically chewed and swallowed.

He thought for a moment "hmm… When I was younger I was terrified of vampire movies and people on Halloween dressed as them –" I smiled wickedly "I don't know if I have any phobias now though… Clowns give me the creeps and I don't like heights." He looked up at me and I cleared my expression.

"What did you find scary about vampires?" I asked smiling slightly.

"Well, I was a kid; they had sharp teeth and drank blood. My older brother used to tell me stories about how female vampires would lour innocent men into their lair, they would seduce them into bed, and then kill them. I had so many nightmares" A laugh burst out of me but I stifled it quickly and smiled at him. "Hey, you're not supposed to laugh at me!" he said smiling.

He had his last mouthful and put his knife and fork down. I glanced up at him with a cheeky smile and I saw a slight shade of pink appearing on his face. I smiled more and carried on eating while he walked around trying to look busy.

I finished my plate in silence and when I was done John stood and took both our plates over to the kitchen, and placed them in the dish washer. He then came back over to me and held out his hands.

"Come on. We'll watch a movie or something." He smiled at me and I felt like he meant it. I smiled back and took his hand.

He fiddled around on the floor in front of the TV with the DVD player and I watched his hair, how it moved and changed colour slightly because of the light.

When he had it working he came over to the sofa and sat on the opposite side to me. I was slightly offended but he looked over at me and patted the spot right next to him. I made a tiny grin and shuffled over to him, where he put his arm around my shoulders as if it was an old habit. I rested my head on him and was comfortable in an instance.

"You feel really cold, take it the curry didn't warm you much" He chuckled as he reached over the back of the couch and grabbed a soft, thick, woolly blanket and placed it over us both up to our necks. And then I was done. I couldn't focus on the movie; the fact that I was with this human man, our bodies confined under the blanket, the heat radiating from him to me, made me hungry – and not for his blood. I tried to focus on the TV but my body was yearning for him.

Well, I lasted through the film, still lacking knowledge of what it was or about but when the credits started rolling john turned his head to look at me. Something in his lusty eyes made me think I wasn't the only one not paying attention. The corner of my mouth pulled up and I bit my bottom lip gently. I noticed our faces were coming together slowly, so I closed the gap and kissed him softly on the lips, but that seemed to awaken something in him.

I allowed him to push me down onto the sofa so I was laid under him, his waist between my legs. The kiss got heated, passionate. I twisted my fingers through his hair while he cupped a feel.

His hands moved up and down my body, leaving a trail of tingling heat all over my skin. He stopped and looked at me for a second, but I put my finger against his mouth before he came back for more.

"Now now John Tyler," I smiled "Let's not get too carried away" I could feel blood lust now. His sudden outburst made his heart pound. I could hear the blood screaming inside him. I took a small breath and it burned my throat.

He chuckled in his husky way and sat up, pulling me with him. "You're right."

He got up then and started moving things around – I wasn't sure if this was normal behaviour but I sat quietly waiting, thinking. He took the DVD out of the TV and flicked on a random music channel then came and sat back next to me I shuffled over a little, away from him and didn't breathe for a while.

I gazed at the ceiling lost in my own head and he nudged his shoulder against mine gently. I brought my head down slowly and took a careful breath; I felt better.

"John… I want to talk to you about something," I took another steady breath "That I've never talked about before."  
He looked at me silently waiting while I searched for words.  
"Okay… When I was younger my parents were – Urm… I don't know, blinded by how much love they had for each other." I felt myself drift off to another time, I saw my Blonde haired, blue eyed mother smiling at my 13 year old self. I saw my father, lost in a moment looking at her, taking in how beautiful she was. "It was as though, when they saw each other, it was only them in the world, like nothing else mattered."

I saw him smile a little at the thought of it and I couldn't help but sigh.  
"But, my dad, he changed. He didn't know he was changing, he thought everything was right, but it was killing my mum inside." I saw myself curled up crying against my closed bedroom door, as I listened to my mother and father screaming at each other in the kitchen. I heard a slap on skin and my father apologising. I cried harder. "I was confused, I didn't understand how they could go from being so in love to having a passionate hate for each other… But it wasn't hate."

I frowned and paused for a moment. "They separated but didn't divorce, they just lived separately and I had to go from one to the other. But they were both so sad, I couldn't understand. My dad just drank his tears away and my mum distanced herself from everything including me because I reminded her of him." I took a deep breath, picturing the dark rainy night, my dad stumbling home, not even knowing where he was through the veil of alcohol. I trailed behind him not wanting to get close to him. "One night I was walking to my dad's house with him when he was so drunk he barely knew who I was and he stumbled into the road when a huge truck was coming towards him too fast and" I breathed in deeply again "He died. He bled out in the middle of the road, and just died. I didn't believe it – I didn't want to believe it." My face was crumpling in pain, but I wasn't in the room anymore, I was there, in the road with my dying father, forgetting john and my world. "My mum spent the rest of her life in depression. She left flowers on his grave every Sunday, because he used to bring her flowers every Sunday. And she died two years later. So I decided, nothing was ever going to be worth the risk – That love wasn't worth all the torturous heart ache that would follow for years." I blinked a few times and sat back on the sofa, remembering where I was. "I was on my own for a few years, got a job and a little place to live, then I found Kate. My sister for all intent and purposes. We made our own family with Eleazar, Carmen, Irina, Sasha and Vasilii. Now Kate's with Garrett and Irina, Sasha and Vasilii have moved on with their own separate lives." '_That was easier to explain than the fact that they had pissed off the all mighty god vampires and had their heads ripped off'. _I looked up at him and I could see my sadness in his own eyes. "I guess I feel kinda lonely at home with two of the sweetest couples ever but… I've never had that." I lifted my shoulders and attempted a smile.

To my surprise he came closer to me and held his hand out for mine. I took it hesitantly. He looked into my eyes as though he was reading into them. "Do you really believe that love isn't worth the risk?" He looked sad as he asked "I'd risk everything to fall deeply in love with someone, who I could spend forever with."

_Forever. _

It rang in my head. Vampires are forever. They fall in love and stay that way for the rest of eternity. Not this vampire. I've had over a century and not fallen in love.

"John, I've been with a lot of guys – probably too many – and the most I've felt is the heat of the morning. I don't see what there is to _love._ What does it even mean? Intense desire and attraction? Well I've had desires and been attracted to people, and I'm a very intense person but there's no one that I could point out and say 'I've loved him' and if love's forever why is there a past term for it?" I spoke quickly sounding annoyed. "And really, if I see another person throw their heart at someone so they can chew it up and spit it back out on the floor again –" I couldn't finish my sentence as there appeared to be a one John Tyler locking his lips with mine. I kissed him back fiercely, the annoyance of my little rant coming through. I locked my fingers in the back of his ruffled hair and pulled him closer to me, so his chest was crushing against mine (in a non-painful way). We pulled apart slowly and he put his forehead against mine. I kept my eyes closed and whispered weakly "So why do I feel differently with you John? I've never felt anything with a man – not a single heartbeat (literally) – but I smile when I see you or speak to you. It makes me happy to be with you. Like you literally brighten up my day. Why is that John?"

He kissed me again softly and whispered back "Guess we just wait and see."

We sat silently for a while just thinking. He kept my cold and in his and would occasionally squeeze my fingers a little.

"Tan," I whipped my head around to look at him just before he spoke. He blinked as if confused and continued "Would you like to spend the night with me? Perhaps we could finish our little game." He smiled a little and I could hardly say no to that angel face – although I probably should. I wasn't comfortable. But I was more comfortable than ever.


End file.
